1 week already? and other thoughts from the field

First of all, can I just say that the last two nights have been amazing? After getting around 1-2 hours of sleep on Monday and Tuesday nights, Caroline woke up only two times the past two nights and went right back to sleep after her feedings without any fuss! That, my friends, is an act of God, just another of those "small-in-the-grand-scheme-but-huge-to-me" answers to prayer. I have never before felt myself so reliant on prayer, particularly on the prayers of others. I thank God that I have precious friends and family who check in on me and with whom I can be vulnerable and who will actually go before the throne of grace on my behalf. Keep it up, friends, because He hears you!

That said, as I sat in the semi-dark living room during the 2am feed Wednesday night, I found myself thinking, "Hm, here I am, actually living through what I have merely been preparing for all these months. How is it going?" Several things came to mind.

First, it's a lot easier to be dependent than I thought it would be...primarily because I am so incredibly weak! Nothing makes you dependent like a cocktail of surgery, hormones, breastfeeding, sleeplesness, 3 year olds and an infant. And while I'm incredibly grateful for the strength that comes 3 straight hours of sleep (among the 7 combined!), I'm also thankful for my weakness because His power and care does shine through more clearly in it.

Second, God is incredibly merciful and kind. I think that Caroline (at least so far) is one of those so-called "angel babies." She is rarely fussy and only cries when she needs something, plus her cries are very distinct and easy to read. Recovery from surgery has also been easy. As I told a friend the other day, I think God must know how weak my faith is because He only

Third, a well-stocked iPod is a nursing mother's best friend. Seriously. I used to get so depressed and discouraged during the late night feeds when Katie was an infant. What is it about being alone in the dark that makes having "perspective" so difficult? Listening to worship music on my iPod this time around has made those late night feeds a completely different experience. Can you believe that I actually have experienced joy and gladness in the middle of the night? So, nursing moms out there....do your soul a favor and use your iPod!

Fourth, after the two rough nights on Monday and Tuesday, I was really battling fear and anxiety, particular regarding the coming nighttime and how it would go. I had tried to take a nap that afternoon but was so overcome be fear I could not even lay down. God provided some relief and comfort through a friend of mine who both listened and sympathized but also spoke truth about God's grace towards me. Later that evening, Adam and I took advantage of the beautiful weather and our awesome new double stroller and took the girls on a walk. As I pushed Caroline and watched Adam and Katie run around the track at our apartment complex, a line from one of my favorite Caedmon's Call songs (Sacred from their Overdressed album) came to mind: "My cup runneth over, I worry about the stain." How much did that apply to my fears? God has overwhelmingly blessed me with an amazing husband and two beautiful and healthy daughters, and I was choosing to worry about "stains" from the overflowing cup of blessings.

Finally, later that night, after I had just fed Caroline at 10pm and was about to lie down and hope for the best, the Lord graciously brought to mind Psalm 4:9, "In peace I will both lie and down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." I love how David distinguishes his need for peace in both the act of lying down and the act of sleeping. Just as I could not even lie down that afternoon because I was so anxious, David looked to God to give him the grace to do that as well as the grace to actually sleep. The second part of the verse spoke to me afresh of God's control over everything that would happen that night--He has complete sovereign rule over every cry, sigh, and hunger pang that Caroline experiences. He has ultimate say over how much sleep I get or don't get. He knows my frame and remembers that I am dust, and I can trust Him as my good Father to do what is best for me. I praise Him for giving me the faith to embrace that truth and both lie down and sleep in peace, regardless of how many hours that includes!

I can't believe that Caroline is one week old already. It's amazing how much she has changed in that time and how our love has grown for her each and every day. I hope to post some more pictures soon. Until then, here are some random things about life with CG:

1-I find myself calling her "little monkey," "monk," or "milk face"
2-she has the greatest "milk coma" faces
3-she loves to be held (ya gotta love warm babies)
4-she hates having her diaper changed (but it's a sure-fire way to wake her up if she falls asleep while feeding!)